Day 3 got a little better. I played volleyball for a bout an hour and half, and I was tired by the end and I ended up eating my dinner when I got home and ate well into the evening :( I really need to get better at the not eating anything after 7 or 8 in the evening (three hours before bed). This is the hardest part for me. I am an emotional evening eater. I can do well all day and then it hits about 7 or so and I just want to stand in the kitchen and snack. I feel hungry and emotional hungry at the same time. I zone out and just eat whatever tastes good, but sometimes nothing really hits the spot.
Now, day 4. It was interesting. It was filled with work and birthday celebrations, so I was busy and didn't have time to prepare all my food like I wanted, but I made due. Then it came to the evening time and I ate. I also had some negative thoughts issues. I started my period, which I have discovered delivers me at least one day of depression where all my thoughts are filled with why I fall short in all areas of my life. I gave in for a while, but then I tried to turn it around. It was hard, and I still had lots of bad thoughts, but I tried and it helped a bit. I know that this habit will take a while to break because it is something that I have had all my 23 years of life to create it and prefect to a T. I am so good at "knowing all the bad thinks that others are thinking about me": I'm fat, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I look awful, I'm too quite, I don't work hard enough.....etc......All the things that I think I need to improve on in my life, I project into all these other peoples thoughts too and then it just reinforces my own thoughts....and the cycle continues. When I'm in the middle of the downward spiral I really want to change it because I feel like a low life, but it sounds like so much work. Then when I feel better, well I feel better and don't feel like there is anything to change. Sigh, I have to pick up big girl pants and take steps to fix it. It runs my life more that I think I would like to admit. I thought about going to a councilor now for about five years, but I can never bring myself to do it because I know that it will be a lot of work, and really painful--lots of tears and heartache. But, I know I'm going to need help to do it, and it will have to come eventually.
I went to bed less than satisfied, but I also reminded myself that I can start fresh in the morning and do better tomorrow. Kris reminds people in the book to not just give up when something goes wrong, just get back up and try again. I am such a perfectionist that this concept is sometimes hard for me to follow because I want to do it all right all the time, the first time. Then I equated it trying to run 3 miles outright after not running for a period of time. You can't just go out and do it. You have to work up to it and keep trying. I think I am doing pretty good for trying to make several changes at once and am feeling pretty good how I feel making those changes.
No comments:
Post a Comment