What I've Learned (from the CSD)......finally!

Alright, so like I said, I'm not quite very good at this whole blogging thing yet.  I could come up with lots of excuses: busy, ran out of time, tired, will take to long, not in the mood, etc....but really what it comes down to is life just going on.  There are always things to do, I just have to decide if this is one of them.  I know I want it to be, but I also have all these other things that I want to do as well!

Three weeks of eating lots of veggies, taking time to meditate and do yoga daily, taking care of my body and thinking positive.  What all came out of it?  Well, I felt really good. Even though I was getting up earlier than I wanted, I wasn't exhausted by the end of the day, in fact I wasn't even that tired by the time bed time came around.  But once it was time to sleep, I was out like a light! Overall, my mood and outlook on life improved.  I didn't feel as stressed or anxious about my day or life.  I was enjoying each day and appreciating the little things.  I didn't really have a desire for material things or as many of my comfort foods.  In general, I was starting to feel comfortable in my body and in my life. 

I also noticed that my creative brain really started to become active again.  I used to love to do arts and crafts, even if I wasn't the best at them.  I used to come up with sewing projects, baking and cooking ideas, and just general ideas!  I felt that come back.  I wanted to get out my sewing machine. bake cupcakes and decorate them, play the guitar, scrapbook, you name it crafty-creative type thing sounded fun.  They no longer were things that I enjoyed-doing-once-don't-have-time-for-them, maybe-some-other-time-in-my-life ideas and thoughts.  They were, why don't I work on it now because I do have the time and they make me happy!  I even acted on these thoughts!  I went over to my Mom's house to work on a quilt that my grandma was supposed to make for me for graduation from high school (five years ago).  She has since passed away.  All the fabric is cut out, it is just a matter of laying the pattern out and sewing it together.  Easy enough, but I just never had the time to do it.  I also had the desire to start blogging about and posting more food related topics, like what I made for dinner!  I love making food and making food look good!  And I would love to share it with everyone!  (Not that anyone reads my blog yet, but that shall change in the future, if I keep it up and running that is (: )

My view on time also changed.  I have always been one to wear a watch or know what time it is.  I look at the clock constantly and am very aware of how long it takes me to do things.  I often have a schedule in my head of things that need to get done, be it today, tomorrow, or the rest of my life (yes I know, who knows the schedule for their whole life!?)  with accompanying time allotments.  If the scheduled task doesn't get done in that amount of time, it equals stress and anxiety.  I always felt like I was rushing from one thing to the next.  Always looking for the fastest and quickest way to do things, and often getting frustrated with anyone who was taking longer than I wanted them to.  (Never to their face, but in my head, which just made me even more anxious and stressed!).  Taking the time to slow down and really trying to appreciate the here and now helped me to calm down and do less mind-scheduling.  I looked at the clock less, didn't feel as anxious, didn't get frustrated with people and had more a laid-back, it-will-get-done attitude.  As a result, I felt like I had more time and got more things done!  What a crazy revelation!  Here I was this whole time try to schedule everything out to the minute to try and maximize time to get as much done, and then always ending up disappointed, when all I had to do was NOT schedule.  What I realized was: there will always be things that need to get done.  Once you finish something, there will always be something more.  You can always come up with things that suck away your time or things that didn't' get accomplished, but that just leaves you with an empty feeling of dissapointment.  Rather, shift your thoughts to all the things you get to do today, with no pressure as to when they need to be done (unless they have some outside influencing time-line).  Don't make due dates and deadlines for everything in your life!  The groceries do not need to be gotten and put away in 30 minutes and be done by 4:15!  That is just your over-scheduling-crazy-perfectionist-brain telling you that.  On top of that, no one but yourself is going to be disappointed if you don't meet that time-line.  And most importantly, even if it takes you 10 minutes longer, the world will not end.  I promise.

So what am I saying with all of this?  Well, the main point is that I felt happy and content.  I found time to do the things that I love by adjusting my priorities.  I have always had the time to do them, I just was so stressed and anxious about everything else that I didn't feel like I had time for them.  This journey was all about making time to take care of myself, both my body and my mind, and it had a big effect!  So why is most of this written in past tense?  Well since finishing the CSD, I continued the early morning routine for about a week.  Then we went camping.  Then we came home and I was tired and wanted to sleep in.  Needless to say, I haven't been taking the time to work on my thoughts.  And what da' know, I am feeling stressed and worried about my life and time and getting irritated with people and putting "other peoples negative thoughts in my head".  Well, that's dumb.  What I have to say about all this could take forever.  The main point is that I need to take the time to take care of my mental health as much as I need to watch what I put in my mouth.  I know that eating a bucket of fries and ketchup tastes good, but makes me feel awful an hour later, so I don't do it.  I also know that negative thoughts lead to more and that stress and anxiety lead to more stress and anxiety and more negative thoughts.  I now also know that I can do something about that.  I just make take me several times of the "BIG FAT REMINDER" hammer hitting me on the head when I forget. 

I wanted to follow the CSD not to change my life for three weeks, but for ever.  I want to be happy, positive and creative.  I want to enjoy life for today, and not worry so much about yesterday and tomorrow. 

Tomorrow, I am setting the alarm for 7am and I am meeting my yoga mat for a date.  I want to be happy, and I have the power and the right to make that happen for myself, do I am going to make it happen!

Peace, love and health!

(P.S. I feel better even after writing this....which was kind of the point.  I needed that reminder.....)

CSD - day 4

Day 3 got a little better.  I played volleyball for a bout an hour and half, and I was tired by the end and I ended up eating my dinner when I got home and ate well into the evening :(  I really need to get better at the not eating anything after 7 or 8 in the evening (three hours before bed).  This is the hardest part for me.  I am an emotional evening eater.  I can do well all day and then it hits about 7 or so and I just want to stand in the kitchen and snack.  I feel hungry and emotional hungry at the same time.  I zone out and just eat whatever tastes good, but sometimes nothing really hits the spot.

Now, day 4.  It was interesting.  It was filled with work and birthday celebrations, so I was busy and didn't have time to prepare all my food like I wanted, but I made due.  Then it came to the evening time and I ate. I also had some negative thoughts issues.  I started my period, which I have discovered delivers me at least one day of depression where all my thoughts are filled with why I fall short in all areas of my life.  I gave in for a while, but then I tried to turn it around.  It was hard, and I still had lots of bad thoughts, but I tried and it helped a bit.  I know that this habit will take a while to break because it is something that I have had all my 23 years of life to create it and prefect to a T.  I am so good at "knowing all the bad thinks that others are thinking about me": I'm fat, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I look awful, I'm too quite, I don't work hard enough.....etc......All the things that I think I need to improve on in my life, I project into all these other peoples thoughts too and then it just reinforces my own thoughts....and the cycle continues.  When I'm in the middle of the downward spiral I really want to change it because I feel like a low life, but it sounds like so much work.  Then when I feel better, well I feel better and don't feel like there is anything to change.  Sigh, I have to pick up big girl pants and take steps to fix it.  It runs my life more that I think I would like to admit.  I thought about going to a councilor now for about five years, but I can never bring myself to do it because I know that it will be a lot of work, and really painful--lots of tears and heartache.  But, I know I'm going to need help to do it, and it will have to come eventually.

I went to bed less than satisfied, but I also reminded myself that I can start fresh in the morning and do better tomorrow.  Kris reminds people in the book to not just give up when something goes wrong, just get back up and try again.  I am such a perfectionist that this concept is sometimes hard for me to follow because I want to do it all right all the time, the first time.  Then I equated it trying to run 3 miles outright after not running for a period of time.  You can't just go out and do it.  You have to work up to it and keep trying.  I think I am doing pretty good for trying to make several changes at once and am feeling pretty good how I feel making those changes.